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"ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize."
"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."
"ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught."
"ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught."
"Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."
"ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth."
"ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold."
"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
"ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young."
"Australia, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island."
"Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."
"Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live."
"Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."
"Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think."
"Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
"Cabbage, n.:A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others."
"Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age."
"Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."
"Clergyman, n. - A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones."
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)"
"Cogito me cogitare, ergo cogito me esse (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)"
"Conservative. noun. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."
"Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."
"Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him."
"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be."
"Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets."
"Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country."
"Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."
"Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."
"Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich."
"Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age."
"Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced."
"Faith, noun. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
"Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth."
"Happiness, noun. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."
"History, n. An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools."
"Impiety, noun. Your irreverence toward my deity."
"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."
"Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said."
"Lawsuit n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage."
"Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law."
"Love, n - A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
"Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."
"Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."
"Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion."
"Opera, n. A play representing life in another world whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures, and no postures but attitudes."
"Optimism, n. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly."
"Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white."
"Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic."
"Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."
"Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises."
"Pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection."
"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy."
"Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles."
"Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."
"Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."
"Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words."
"Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man."
"Saint, noun. A dead sinner revised and edited."
"Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based."
"Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego."
"Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows."
"The covers of this book are too far apart."
"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."
"The ocean is a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills."
"There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know."
"To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice."
"Truth -- An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance."
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
"Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."
"Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment."