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"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."
"I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
"My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one."
"No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."